I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
