Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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