Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
