Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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