Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
