roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
