I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You made out with two different species that night
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
