he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
