If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
