I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
