mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
