Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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