When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
