I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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