After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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