I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
