fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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