Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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