Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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