have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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