i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
