i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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