I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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