he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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