So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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