So drunk its hurt
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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