well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
