i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
