Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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