I murdered the dance floor call the cops
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
