saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
