She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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