Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
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When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
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I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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