There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
