Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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