I will die if light touches me.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
