I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
