i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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