he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
