Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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