I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why is there bacon in the couch?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
