just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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