omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
