I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
