He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
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Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
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Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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