my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
