someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
