I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
