then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
