At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
