Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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