i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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