I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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