Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
