mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
