there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
